Every person gets to a point in time, every now and then, when he stops, looks back at what has happened till date, and gets into a retrospective mode of reminiscence. The Pragmatist takes stock of the situations evaluates the damage and goes into evasive maneuver. The romanticist , looks at it with an enchained detachment, in forlorn, wondering how such a fate had befallen upon oneself, hoping against hope that the situation can be amended, and if possible even brought back to the delicate status quo that existed before.

The pragmatist in me knows for a fact that the situation is way out of hand and cannot be rectified to be amenable, however the romanticist still wishes otherwise. Its sad how on a personal level you are torn between deciding to move on or hanging on in there hoping against hope that the sun will be shining back on you. The gut feeling still holds, it still tells me that hidden in that rock is some moisture, and that there is still hope. Khabirs Doha keeps coming into my mind and all of a sudden Ghajini seems to have become a role model.  I should try just once more ... but how? will i just be seen as a loser, as an injured and cornered animal trying to gain yardage, or will it be seen for what it really is. Now wait. What is it really ? The pragmatist kicks in. I am reminded about those innumerable advices that my well wishers gave me, move on, its not worth it, there are better apples higher up. But i am still not able to decide. I lost my wind and am stuck in the doldrums.

There are so many questions, so many thoughts, so many doubts, so many many questions that seem to shake the fundamentals of my character. What am i? Who am i? Am i not the one whom i thought i was? crazy shit. Why cant there be answers, why is it that every time i face the situation there is this heavy potpouri of feelings right from anxiety, to fear to apprehension, to hope, to guilt that goes through me. Cant there be a catharsis to all these emotions? can there be a way out? to feel light, to move on, to smile  laugh, and to actually mean it, instead of intelligently faking it?  cant there be a frigging reset button that i can press. or a memory purge i can use. Was the ramifications that is seen intended? for that matter, was it even anticipated? couldnt it have been, well you know, corrected?

Whatever be the case, the outcome is not something i fancy.I am living a lie, and worst still i am trying to believe that is not the case. I am faking whatever you see, and i shall continue to fake until fate throws me another hardball that would make me change otherwise. I am saddened by the fact that my life is not scripted by my intent but by the occurrences that have happened thus far and i am frightened that this might be so for a long long time.

God, release me from this vicious circle. please.